The Pain Paradox
The ancient question of whether children or parents start cycles of emotional hurt uncovers a tragic reality: it’s usually a self-reinforcing cycle in which hurt parents unknowingly hurt their children, who in turn bring those wounds into adulthood. Psychologists point out that although parents might “lash out in the moment,” their response is often reverberations of their own unfulfilled childhood demands.
How the Cycle Repeats
Trigger → Reaction: A child’s behavior triggers a parent’s unresolved trauma (e.g., shouting when feeling powerless, just as their parents did).
Internalized Pain: The child interprets this as “I’m bad” rather than “Mom/Dad is struggling.”
Generational Echo: Without intervention, the child grows up to parent from the same place of hurt.
Breaking the Chain
1. For Parents:
“Pause Before Reacting” – Even taking 10 seconds to breathe can avoid harm.
Heal Your Own Wounds – Counseling or parenting courses to work through childhood habits.
2. For Adults Recovering from Childhood:
Reframe the Narrative – “My parent was dysregulated, not me.”
Reparent Yourself – Treat yourself with the kindness you lacked.
Expert Insight
“Pain flows downhill unless someone dams the river. That ‘someone’ can be you.”
Dr. Nicole LePera, How to Do the Work.
Hope Spot
Research indicates mindful parenting cuts emotional wounds by 40%. Strategies such as:
“Time-Ins” (being present during meltdowns instead of isolating).
Emotional Coaching (“I can see that you’re upset. Let’s call that feeling.”).
The cycle does not need to be endless. Healing begins with recognition.
Free Resources:
@TherapyJeff’s “Reparenting” TikTok series.
The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (Philippa Perry).
